Diabetes Diary - 1/13/15

 

"I hate that my son has diabetes.”  These were the words that came out of my mouth as I sit down on the couch this morning.  This is first time that I have actual said this out loud and finally been able to talk about the effect this disease has had on our lives. I feel as though the reality of this diagnosis has been weighing fairly heavy on me lately.  I am still at that stage where I can think back to this time 3 years ago, the focus was on my pregnancy and planning the birth of our new child and the joy that surrounded that.  Not knowing what was brewing in my poor son Daniel's body.

We will celebrate our 3 year anniversary on Saturday, January 17th and I wonder how long it will take for myself not to carry with it the sting of sadness.  It is nice to read other parents feelings on the matter, with our hectic schedules our family doesn't always have the opportunity to discuss how we are effected by all of this. We spend our energy and time making sure that our children are coping, especially Daniel.

For an instant, it was a welcome relief to realize that I am not the only one carrying the burden of Type 1 Diabetes, and affirmation that being only a few days away from the anniversary of our son’s diagnosis, I am not the only one still angry.  Continuing to remind myself that grief is different for everyone and that given the fact that I still don’t look upon Type 1 Diabetes with a comfortable recognition doesn’t mean I haven’t accepted the responsibility willingly.

There are many days I hate Diabetes, most days I do.  Me and Diabetes are not friendly by any means, we tolerate each other because we have to.  If given the opportunity I would do away with Diabetes and make it so that he couldn’t pick on an innocent child ever again.  But, for now we must remain in survival mode when it comes to Diabetes and when frustration strikes we push forward and fight back harder.

Daniel, who endures the pokes and blood draws and burning of insulin injections with a bravery I could only hope to have, has taught me the greatest lesson in life. It is time to slow down, take each day as it comes, one moment at a time, and be willing to change and adjust at a moments notice. I feel for all the families afflicted by this disease. It doesn't get easier to see your child get poked and hear them say "ouch" or "it burns". It is something that just has to be done and the maturity the children have in coping with their disease amazes me every single day.

I love the positivity that the community has as it pertains to the manageability of Type 1 Diabetes, but at the end of the day, forgetting to release the negative isn’t the answer. There are many, many days when living with and managing this disease are exhausting and no matter what I do, there is always an element of failure attached to certain outcomes. Today is one of those days. But, tomorrow will be better. Embracing the negative realities while projecting positivity can be a delicate and difficult balance. There is so much pressure to promote normalcy, which I believe is easy when children are young and believe that everyone gets poked in order to eat, it’s when they get older and realize that they are different that the true fight begins. Our toddler son thinks it is completely normal that his older brother gets his finger poked or get injections and always asks for his turn. But, for Daniel, he is a tween, in 6th grade, preparing for junior high, hormones from beginning puberty have begun, and he is beginning to share his frustrations.

For now, I am geared toward allowing my son to have days when it’s OK to say Diabetes sucks, but when we have good days, with amazing numbers and wonderful outcomes, we celebrate those and live as long as we can in those moments.