Diabetes Diary - 1/13/15

 

"I hate that my son has diabetes.”  These were the words that came out of my mouth as I sit down on the couch this morning.  This is first time that I have actual said this out loud and finally been able to talk about the effect this disease has had on our lives. I feel as though the reality of this diagnosis has been weighing fairly heavy on me lately.  I am still at that stage where I can think back to this time 3 years ago, the focus was on my pregnancy and planning the birth of our new child and the joy that surrounded that.  Not knowing what was brewing in my poor son Daniel's body.

We will celebrate our 3 year anniversary on Saturday, January 17th and I wonder how long it will take for myself not to carry with it the sting of sadness.  It is nice to read other parents feelings on the matter, with our hectic schedules our family doesn't always have the opportunity to discuss how we are effected by all of this. We spend our energy and time making sure that our children are coping, especially Daniel.

For an instant, it was a welcome relief to realize that I am not the only one carrying the burden of Type 1 Diabetes, and affirmation that being only a few days away from the anniversary of our son’s diagnosis, I am not the only one still angry.  Continuing to remind myself that grief is different for everyone and that given the fact that I still don’t look upon Type 1 Diabetes with a comfortable recognition doesn’t mean I haven’t accepted the responsibility willingly.

There are many days I hate Diabetes, most days I do.  Me and Diabetes are not friendly by any means, we tolerate each other because we have to.  If given the opportunity I would do away with Diabetes and make it so that he couldn’t pick on an innocent child ever again.  But, for now we must remain in survival mode when it comes to Diabetes and when frustration strikes we push forward and fight back harder.

Daniel, who endures the pokes and blood draws and burning of insulin injections with a bravery I could only hope to have, has taught me the greatest lesson in life. It is time to slow down, take each day as it comes, one moment at a time, and be willing to change and adjust at a moments notice. I feel for all the families afflicted by this disease. It doesn't get easier to see your child get poked and hear them say "ouch" or "it burns". It is something that just has to be done and the maturity the children have in coping with their disease amazes me every single day.

I love the positivity that the community has as it pertains to the manageability of Type 1 Diabetes, but at the end of the day, forgetting to release the negative isn’t the answer. There are many, many days when living with and managing this disease are exhausting and no matter what I do, there is always an element of failure attached to certain outcomes. Today is one of those days. But, tomorrow will be better. Embracing the negative realities while projecting positivity can be a delicate and difficult balance. There is so much pressure to promote normalcy, which I believe is easy when children are young and believe that everyone gets poked in order to eat, it’s when they get older and realize that they are different that the true fight begins. Our toddler son thinks it is completely normal that his older brother gets his finger poked or get injections and always asks for his turn. But, for Daniel, he is a tween, in 6th grade, preparing for junior high, hormones from beginning puberty have begun, and he is beginning to share his frustrations.

For now, I am geared toward allowing my son to have days when it’s OK to say Diabetes sucks, but when we have good days, with amazing numbers and wonderful outcomes, we celebrate those and live as long as we can in those moments. 

Type1Diabetic Mom Moment

It's the first Monday of the new year and so far it is starting out with a bout of bronchitis for myself. Not the best way to start the week especially since it is the first day back to school for my son and of course his blood sugars would have to be extra high... BG359... let's start this week with a BANG!

I am enjoying my morning coffee and the few moments of quite time as Landon sleeps. I have heard plenty of times that as a stay at home mom how could I possibly be tired. Well, I haven't been a stay at home mom forever. I do sometimes miss the world of Marketing. I miss the level of responsibility, the deadlines, product development, and the fruition of products turning into a success. But, the rewards of watching my toddler grow and experience all the things in life are priceless. With my older son Daniel, I spent so many hours at work that I missed so much. I feel like I didn't know him as a child like I do Landon. Daniel spent everyday in daycare and once he started school, he began and ended his day in daycare. It wasn't until my husband and I decided that I could stay home did I truly get to learn about Daniel.

As we approach his 3 year Diabetes Birthday this month and as I write this I realize how wonderful this blessing is to be a stay at home mom. Our family deserves this time to just enjoy the simple things. I enjoy the ups and downs, highs and lows, and all the in betweens.

As a mother to a Type 1 Diabetic, life has changed. After years of struggling to conceive another child, we sought fertility treatments and after two rounds we were blessed with the pregnancy of our little Landon. I was immediately placed on bed rest do to a placenta tear. Although as difficult as that may be, it wasn't as difficult as the life changing news we were about to endure as Daniel went into Diabetic Keto-Acidosis and spend four days in PICU. Daniel was eight years old. I was six months pregnant and sleeping on a pull out bed next to our son. I wouldn't leave his side as we learned how to care for him. Loma Linda Children's Hospital became our home and as we learned our new way of life I couldn't at that time imagine what life would be like today.

  

Today, I have two boys who share the most amazing bond. There is no better buddy than a brother! Landon adores his big brother and Daniel in return couldn't imagine life without his baby brother. We may have a new life with our Type 1 Diabetic, but with this new way of life came a new blessing as well, the birth of our miracle baby. Landon doesn't know the difference between himself and his brother. He asks everyday for his shot when his big brother gets his insulin. We just giggle. Landon thinks everyone gets their sugar checked, eats special snacks, and carries all their supplies. We fill Landon's bag with his snacks as he wouldn't have it any other way. He wants to be just like Daniel. He looks up to Daniel as any little brother does. In Landon's world, diabetes is normal and his big brother is just AWESOME! I agree!!!